I need help. I feel like I no longer recognize myself. I have become MOM. The role transforms you. All the body changes make you no longer recognize yourself, and the lifestyle changes make you no longer recognize your life. I need to draw a line in the sand (or in the pile of laundry and toys) and decide who I am again. I want a wardrobe of clothing that I love, not just stuff that fits my body okay and happened to be cheap and easy to find in the store. I want my insides and outsides to match, and at the moment, I don’t think they do. I am, by nature, a prickly person.
I am persnickety. I am easily irritable. I am controlling. (I have a bunch of positive qualities too, but they don’t illustrate the point I am making here, so stay with me.)
I have a desire to look “edgy.” I think the desire comes from a lot of places:
- Always feeling nerdy and wanting to feel cool (even though I feel like I should have outgrown those feelings)
- Wanting to display on the outside some of how I feel on the inside
- Wanting to keep people away (not all people, just the ones I don’t know, I suppose—its an urge I can’t explain)
- Wanting to feel relevant and be taken seriously
- Wanting to visibly bristle against a society I don’t always agree with (mostly saying this about the US, but maybe it will apply in Singapore too)
Looking edgy is a way to deflect a whole lot of stuff, and what-evs yo, I’ll do what I want (to quote Cartman).
Edgy just feels right to me.
So the question is how to go about it. Let’s consider fashion. As a 34 year old mom, I cannot really access the trendy fashions of the day, because I am not twiggy enough to make mom jeans and pleated pants work, and really….I will just look like a mom wearing mom jeans. A teenager can make mom jeans look cool and ironic. I would just make them look real.
Then there is edgy fashion in general. I like this because it feels mature, yet a little rage-against-the-machine. I love the brand Mù by Alfie Leong (a Singapore designer), but while nursing a baby, there are an awful lot of clothes you can’t wear. No way I’m getting one of my chi-chi’s out of the cute dress below.
Plus it is freaking hot out here. The locals have adjusted to the heat, but I have not, so that rules out a lot of fabrics and styles. It is quite hard find an outfit that lets me stay cool but not hear my mother’s refrain in my head, “You look like you are going to the beach!”
Truly, I had to give up, as Kiddo2 had puked all over the store’s floor and me numerous times, and I was out of blankets and paper products to wipe it up with (and I had quite a stash). Sigh…. Mom problems.
My hair could make me look more edgy. I am thinking I will go short even though it has taken FOR-EV-ER to get my hair to this length.
The super-fun-post-baby-all-your-hair-falls-out stuff is happening over here, so it would just be a lot easier. Plus, like I said, it is freaking hot out here. So which do you like? Or should I keep it long? PLEASE HELP ME!
Ignore the color used in the pics. I will keep my hair dark, maybe some platinum streaks. I just don’t want to look like this gal below. No offense meant to her classic style; it’s just not for me.
I am too bristly to look like this. I need to look bristly.
Make up will be of no help as I can’t be bothered at the moment, and footwear must be sensible as I walk everywhere and carry a little one. And more tattoos? I am currently not permitted to get more. I will have to consult management on that one.
I will update this post with my new hair and at least one edgy outfit! I vow to get a fab haircut and find something awesome that fits me in Asia!
To be continued…
Update! Here’s the hair and a window reflection selfie of my new fave skirt. (It bustles with buttons and loops underneath! Can be worn a ton of ways.) Have successfully found edgy outfits in my size, but getting a photo has proven difficult in my crazy daily life… I’m feeling more and more like my(new)self every day. :)