I was in tears. We had been negotiating on apartments and losing them to higher bids for a week, and only had a few left in the hotel before we needed to be out. We had spent the day looking at new apartments, only to be met with high rents and hard choices. None were perfect, but the one with the worst location of all seemed to be our best bet. I loved the place, but the hubs hated that it was so far out of the areas that had restaurants, shopping, etc. For whatever reason, I loved it. I know it was further out, and I am truly so lazy, that should have mattered a ton to me. I didn’t realize it, but I see now that it was God that was drawing me to it. And frankly, it was lovely. Tons of light, nice balcony, and clean; just what I wanted. But yeah, it was going to be kind of a pain to get groceries. On the plus side, it was just far enough from the mall to make sure I wasn’t there daily spending money that we do not have.
So we argued over the pros and cons of all four units we liked from the day’s visits, and I was in tears over the budget, and how tight it would be if we chose the more expensive units. The hubs knew that we had to choose Blossoms @ Woodleigh due to our budget constraints, but the location was a huge drawback to him. It could have been much worse (next to a dump, a slum, etc), but based on what we were looking at, it was the worst. I felt horrible because I was fighting so hard for Blossoms, because I liked it, and would be essentially forcing my husband to live somewhere he didn’t like. I would never want to be pushed to live somewhere I didn’t like, as that is an aggravation you deal with on a daily basis. But if we spent more money on rent, we would suffer. I would buy less healthy food and spend less on my daughter’s education and so on. I know me. I can’t stomach spending on those types of things when there are alternatives, even when I know it isn’t good to pinch on health. I wouldn’t take care of my health, as visiting preventative health docs like my chiro is still a luxury to me. And I would stress endlessly about every bill and cost, probably not going out as much because we have to pay to use public transportation.
So yeah, I was in tears. No matter what, it was a lose-lose situation for me. Make the hubs miserable, or slowly let our health decline (and probably my state of mind). The hubs let me raise our offer to $4,000, our max, and $500 over the asking price on the unit, which hurt, but it was the only way we felt we could secure our spot there (or anywhere after all the units we had lost).
So I decided to get ready for bed, and just shut the conversation down, as it was going nowhere. I didn’t see how we could afford anything else; he wasn’t interested in Blossoms @ Woodleigh. I prayed all through brushing my teeth, clearing off the bed, and putting in my earplugs to go to sleep. I prayed and begged God to take care of us. The words I had read in Confessions of a Raging Perfectionist, by Amanda Jenkins, that day about God’s grace and letting him take care of us went through my head. The words of my wrist tattoo “By His Grace” went through my head, followed by my other tattoo (pictured below), and I felt enveloped by His hands. I felt myself truly becoming calmed. And while I rested in His hands, so to speak, I heard the hubs through my earplugs talking to the realtor about the offer we wanted to put in (mind you it is 10pm at this point). The other party had offered $3,600 for a one-year lease. Our original offer of $3,700 for a two-year lease was going to be perfect, and still left us room to negotiate.
I immediately burst into tears of relief and joy. I had felt so completely hopeless as I got into bed, but made the choice to give the issue up to God, and he took care of it within minutes. I was expecting nothing, only hoping for a calmer and slightly more open husband the next day. But God took care of it. Instantly. I was overwhelmed. Still am. I have been utterly convinced of God’s presence in this move abroad for us, every step of the way. He gave me a complete sense of calm about moving to the other side of the world, despite being pregnant and barely able to walk due to debilitating SI Joint Pain.
But I also knew He was watching over us because this great job in Singapore came along. We had been hoping for it for so long (we love Singapore). We had also been trying for a year to get pregnant again, and I would be right in the middle of the pregnancy for the move—pretty ideal. And to find out we were having a boy! We were just blessed all over the place. How can you not know there is a plan in place for you at that point? Everything was falling into place and making sense, even when it didn’t seem to from the outset.
Our biggest issue in the budget was tithing. We could have afforded a fabulous place if we had chosen not to tithe, but how could we not give back? God has given us everything, absolutely everything. We had to give back. And just as we decided not to cave on that decision, the unit came through at a price that even gives us breathing room in the budget.
I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, or if we will get to sign papers on this place or not, but I am convinced that God cradles me in his hands, and that if I choose to rest there, He will take care of me. I vow to not be a crazy hamster in his hands, constantly scurrying for perceived safety. I will rest.
My tattoo of my core beliefs
L = Love
F = Faith
P = Perseverance
The rose is how I know God sees me (even if I can’t see myself that way), and I am resting in His hands, totally cared for, no matter what.